Overheard in the Maceplace: "Disfunction Junction" or "When did my folks get to be so totally old and WHERE did my sister get that ass of hers?"

Int. Maceplace Kitchen. Mom is at sink pouring more water into a temporary fishbowl for our fish, Guadalupe and Carlos. Cailin stands next to her (even though they were, only minutes before, screaming at the top of their lungs at each other from opposite ends of the house), pouring a bowl of cereal. Dad is leaning on island counter behind them, reading the newspaper. And I am seated at kitchen table to right, glued to my computer screen and typing away, ostensibly shutting out the real world in favor of the digital one. Dad has just returned from picking me up at the MARTA station where I had arrived from the airport, and is now about to take Mom and Cailin TO the MARTA station to get to the airport.

Mom: Steve, will you go dump the rest of Guad and Carlos' dirty water so I can clean it before we go?

Dad: Where are they?

Mom: They who

Dad: The fish!

Mom: They're in this bowl.

Cai: Sick!

Dad: Dodi! I use that to make salad! Have you used it for this before? It's probably got diseases growing in it!

Mom: Of course not. I'll throw it out after this.

Me: CAILIN, oh my God, do you remember when you used to name every goldfish "Sally?" Even the boy ones?

Dad: Cailin- oh, what was I going to say...OH, Cailin, your butt is getting big.

Cai: Yeah uh huh, kiss it.

Me: And you named every puppy "Ed" and every pigeon "Louie." That's so weird. But interesting, don't you think?

Dad, from outside, dumping water from dirty aquarium: It's from all that rice you eat in the morning. That's not a normal breakfast. You should be eating like, I dunno, whole grains, or something.

Me: I have quite a behind too, but, I eat ice cream for breakfast. All the time. Apparently.

All: What?

Me: Nothing, I just-- never mind.

Mom, taking now empty aquarium from Dad: Kelly, you have got to stop skipping breakfast.

Me: What? I just said I eat breakfast! Ice cream for breakfast! (a pause) Hurray!

Mom: Did you eat breakfast at Jeff's? People think it's weird when other people don't eat breakfast. It doesn't look cool, or anything. It's not like you need to impress Jeff for some reason. It's just Jeff.

Me: Mom, are you seriously still talking?

Dad, softly, to me: It's the chemo that's talking.

Mom: I heard that.

Dad: ANYWAY, Cailin, can't you eat like, wheaties?

Cai: Sick!

Me: Dad, are you like, a spokesman for bulimia? Cailin's practically already on the cover of Sports Illustrated, don't crush her dreams!

Dad: Well, I'm just saying...

Me: Oh, I don't really care. Cailin's butt is actually way bigger than like...4 days ago.

Cai: Smack that. (Without even turning head, smacks own butt)

Are those wheaties?

Cai, indifferent: Dad, stop it. I'm sick of you calling me fat. (Bites down on spoonful of Honey Bunches of Calories, walks out of kitchen)

Dad: Well, I guess I'm gonna get some McDonald's for lunch before I take you to the airport. You guys want anything?

All: (variations of negative response)

Alright, later. (Exits)

from living room, noticing that Mom has just cleaned and refilled aquarium and reintroduced G & C: Cool, Mom, Guad and Carlos' hooch looks so totally like, feng shui, now.

Me: I'm surprised you have that big word in your vocabulary, Cailin. Although I think you meant to say "zen."

Cailin: I don't speak Japanese, Kelly.

Me: How many times do I have to tell you that the Japanese language sounds staccato. Does "feng shui" sound staccato to you? Oh snap, you don't speak Italian either.

Cai: Moooom!

Me: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm being a bitch. But-- it's not often I'm more witty than you, Cailin!

Mom, walking past and bopping me on the head with newspaper: Don't say 'bitch,' ya little twat!

Wow. Wait - did you just wash that bowl? The one you used to hold the fish in? I thought you were going to throw that away.

Mom: Pfft. I do this all the time. Dad doesn't know it, but his favorite salad is goldfish shit salad.

Mmm, goldfish shit. Mine too.

Cai: Aw, Sick!

Mom: Sorry girls, I shouldn't have said 'shit' just then.

Cai: Mom, you are so gay!