Get Out of my Vernacular

I don't believe in boredom, and along the same lines, I don't believe in the the act of attempting to explain your mental absence in an awkward protocol social situation on the pretext of being "out of it". Yeah, I say it myself; more often than I am comfortable with, in fact. It's become a default response for these situations, though; you can't blame me. But whoever came up with it, whosoever so deeply ingrained it into our social code* SHOULD BE SHOT. Like a dog. (Yo, who came up with that one? Wouldn't it be more - i want to write humane, but I would have red paint on me in like 3 seconds - hm, more appropriate to joke about shooting an animal like a possum, or something, for such a colloquialism? Is it just that we humans have more control over dogs than any other creature, or is it because a dog would die in an undignified manner? If that's the case, that's just preposterous; a possum would die with much less dignity than a dog. Did Koreans come up with "shoot like a dog?" Did Kazakhs?)

Anyway, the other night seated at Brooke and I's sturdy "outdated-country-home-with-lots-of-apples-and-tractors-stenciled-on-the-wall-somewhere"-esque dining table (no, there's really no goal behind that absurd description, it's just how I feel about it, ok?), Bronwyn, Brooke and I were shooting the shit**, and we started talking about this whole "out of it" nonsense for some reason. We all agreed that it is tragically overused. Sorry, I'm just really out of it today! Ugggggggggh. You know you're dull when. I HATE "I'M JUST REALLY OUT OF IT TODAY." And I hate the fact that "it" wears such a crown. Quel "it"? Listen, interlocuter? Don't believe a word I say, because I am not "out of" any "it". I am not out of time. I am not out of bounds. Certainly not out of style. Word- I am not out of context, sight, mind, proportion, the running, my element, my head, out of print, out of hand, out of tune, shape, sorts; i am not out of control. But know this over everything else: I am not even out of things to say to you, because in fact what I have in mind but am just too polite to say is I am interested in many things but not in having this conversation with you at this time.

So we came up with some good replacements for "out of it." They'll never be put to use in all hell, but wouldn't the world be more fun if they were? Here they are, and feel free to preface them with the words "I'm sorry;" I actually think they're even better that way, or if anything, more polite:

I'm sorry,

my potassium's really low; mercury's in retrograde; i'm on like, the 18th day of my cycle; i just realized one of my boobs is bigger than the other; david hyde pierce was on letterman last night; i met deerhoof earlier; i need to go exist; i need to go get really drunk; i feel like i'm going to be sick; i just this second got sick; i'm having flashbacks of 'Nam; i forgot to take my whipping this morning, i mean, my vitamins; i'm hungry for a knuckle sandwich, are you; i've been listening to too much math rock***; they just announced that dump trucks are the new coolest thing; do you have any hard liquor on you; girrrrrl, i'm thinkin' 'bout this freak nasty dream i had with you last night; i'm missing my favorite telenovela right now; son, i'm afraid things have just taken a Strindbergian turn for the worse; i'm drinking water right now; it's time for me to get a watch; i temporarily forgot my child; you aren't in my autobiography; don't you think salad is overrated; don't you think that heroin is underrated; there's a big dumb dragon flying through the sky; you remind me of a wagner opera in this light; my dog killed himself 5 years ago; i'm doing my exercises; i'm really important; i'm really into garbage right now; sand castles are fucking rad, dude; i'm watching this cockfight on the corner over there.

Collect 'em all!

* Other things that were set way too deeply to dig up and abolish directly: the standard men's dress shoe (UGLY. BORING. POORLY ARCHITECTED. EFFIMINATE.), the phrasal structure "such and such is AMAZING" (another one I'm guilty of, but I mean, I'm theater folk), the idea that "Casablanca" is the greatest film ever made (actually, it's as overrated as its male lead, mr. Bogart), LIFE (make love, not war, folks), yada

** Haha, shooting the shit...I love the idea of an english-learning foreigner reading and writhing with frustration, trying to decipher our idiom-riddled patois; sort of like me in my first attempts to be hip to the hippest magazine in France, Le Standard

*** Only applies if you live in Athens, GA